Secte Mangeurs De Lamas

In Los Angeles an afternoon summer Autumn Malatesta is killed by a person whom she knew because she had opened him the door. Autumn was killed has blow of scissors in the dining room while it was spirit to drink a glass of red wine with the murderer. Several persons are suspected:

The suspect n°1 is Mark PRIEST the lover of Autumn he is a bartender but also a well known a female impersonator, he is 29 years old, he has a blond hair, his blood is B negative and he is right-handed. He was able to killed Autumn because she refused to leave her husband to get married to him.

The suspect n° 2 is Tony MALATESTA the husband of Autumn he is an airline pilot, he is 34 years old, he has black hair, his blood is B negative and he is left-handed. He was able to kill his wife because she liked Mark and her wanted to leave him.

The suspect n°3 is Lana WOODSWORTH the cousin of Autumn and Mark’s fiancée, she is nurse, she is 28 years old, she has black hair, her blood is B positive and she is left-handed and she shares her apartment with Paula.

The suspect n°4 is Paula GOODODY the sister of Autumn she is a hairdresser, she is 31 years old, she has auburn hair, her blood is B negative and she is right-handed but she had a car accident and she has the right hand in the plaster cast. She was able to killed her sister because she went out with Tony in secret and Autumn surprised them together so Autumn was able to the guest her or Paula came to Autumn to explain and it badly finished.

According to the comments the forensic scientist on the glass of the murderer we find some red lipstick so we suppose that is a woman, she will be left-handed, her blood is B negative but there is no print so the murderer wearing gloves or he have cleared her prints.

According to quite his indications the murderer can be only Paula GOODBODY the sister of Autumn, she has ideal profiles, which can’t use the right hand she was killed her sister of the left hand. Being a hairdresser she left black hair so that we accuse everybody except her.

After some days Paula could not it any more and admitted to have killed her sister. Fact told tales by Paula: before going to Autumn, Paula called her sister to make for her excuse for going out with Tony but Paula has anything wanted to know. Autumn asked Paula to come to explain. Then Paula allow her idea she go in her hairdressing salon, took some black hair and having drank a glass by trying to explain, she takes a pair of scissors and kills Autumn because Autumn didn’t want to understand that Paula loved her husband. The tragic end who shall have been able to be resolved into family.

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Modifié par bridg le 10-04-2007 20:20

+ titre

Réponse: Los Angeles (correction) de lutcho, postée le 11-04-2007 à 23:41:31 (S | E)

Salut,

Avec mon niveau actuel, ton texte me semble cohérent (je crois avoir tout compris ...).

Attends les autres commentaires avant publication,

tchao

Réponse: Los Angeles (correction) de mp27, postée le 12-04-2007 à 01:04:26 (S | E)

Hello!

- an afternoon summer --> pas “an” mais...? -- mettre “afternoon summer” selon l'ordre anglais, et pas français.

- is killed --> mettre is au passé

- whom --> à supprimer

- had opened him the door : on dit: to open the door to somebody, donc....

- was killed has blow of scissors --> ce “has” n'a aucun sens – et “blow” n'est pas bien choisi. Fais une petite recherche dans ton dictionnaire et tu trouveras un verbe très approprié.

- it was spirit to drink a glass of red wine --> “spirit”??? je ne vois pas.

- pour dire plusieurs “personnes” : traduire personnes par “people”

- the lover of Autumn -> tu dois employer le cas possessif

- a bartender --> en anglais UK = a barman

- a well known a female impersonator. Si tu n'avais pas mis well known, tu aurais: he was a female impersonator. En mettant “well known”, ton “a” devient superflu, donc, enlève-le.

- a blond hair --> pas de “a”

- able to killed --> pourquoi ce “ed”?

- to get married to him --> “and” to get married......

- the husband of Autumn --> tu dois employer le cas possessif

- because she liked Mark and her wanted to leave him. --> je suggère “loved” plutôt que “liked”. Le pronom personnel sujet de “wanted” n'est pas “her”. Étourderie, je crois!

- the cousin of Autumn --> tu dois employer le cas possessif.

- she is nurse --> mettre l'article indéfini devant la profession.

- and she is left-handed and she shares --> après une énumération, ne mettre “and” que devant le dernier élément de la liste – donc, enlever le “and” qui est en trop.

- apartment / flat

- the sister of Autumn --> tu dois mettre le cas possessif

- the right hand --> adjectif possessif devant les membres, donc, changer “the” par l'adjectif possessif approprié.

- in the plaster cast --> in a plaster cast / in plaster

- able to killed --> même faute que plus haut (pas de “ed” à rajouter au verbe to kill, infinitif)

- was able to the guest her --> ??? je ne comprends pas...

Corrige d'abord cette première moitié. Il y aura encore des petites retouches (comme la ponctuation par exemple) mais une chose à la fois...

Réponse: Los Angeles (correction) de lolo__69, postée le 17-04-2007 à 19:29:13

...