Diary of a lonely boy

Diary of a lonely boy

5th April 2013, London

I woke up like a normal kid and did everything a normal kid would do. Except that I don’t feel like a normal kid. I don’t have a smile on my face every time. How can I feel normal when the first thing I hear when I wake up is the sound my parents arguing? The screams of my mom. The sound of an object hitting my mother’s flesh violently, while he insults her. He treats her like dirt. He treats me like dirt. Is this living? Or is this surviving? We don’t even have the power to fight back anymore. What difference would it make? None. After ironing my shirt, take breakfast and got myself ready to school, I left. I don’t even had the courage to ask for my lunch money. I’m scared. I have to live on my own and I’m feeling alone, even if this is selfish, I feel like not even my mother cares for me. Is she trying to protect me or has se given up on life already?

On my way to school, I found some bullies that often take pleasure on annoying me. They punched me. I felt really intimidated. But actually, I now have the same attitude as my mom; I have given up on fighting back. It doesn’t make any difference. I’m powerless. They simply don’t care. You cry a little, they feel pleasure on it, and then after a little, they stop.  And don’t even understand if I’m guilty in this whole story…

At school, it was a normal day like every other day. I took classes, I did not have lunch, I took classes again and then I come back home. Is this normal? I don’t have the answer. Is the only way to life I’ve known in my whole life.

Deep down in my soul, I knew this was going to happen and I couldn’t stop it. I just keep thinking that it not going to happen today, or tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. But it did. I got home and my parents were dead.  I’m alone. I’m totally lost. I’m literally alone. It was the worst scenario. My mom was lying on the floor in a pool of blood, and my father was hanged right beside her. I can really imagine what happened. Did I deserve this? What have I done? Could I have done anything? Was I a coward?

7th April 2013, London

Yesterday was the funeral. I can’t express my feeling about all of this. I’m overwhelmed by this entire situation. After two days, I still don’t understand why. Why?

5th April 2033

After 20 years, I still don’t understand. Today, I decided to rewrite on my old journal and after reading all of this I still feel all the emotions on my skin the exactly same way I felt 20 years ago. Now, I can tell, I’m a normal person and more important, I’m happy. I’m grateful for my beautiful wife and my three sweet kids. We are a normal family. What my dad did to my mom made me have the desire of having a good family, united and where everybody is loved. Even if I didn’t had the courage to stop my father, I have it now, the courage of constitute a healthy family.

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