Letter To Alaska

Dear Alaska,

I had a dream about you last night. One of those many dreams I have since you’re gone. Or maybe was it a nightmare? Yes, probably a nightmare. You were just there, standing in front of me, with that weird look in your eyes. The one you had when you were thinking of “God knows what”. And then, you looked at me and you started to smile. That wonderful smile of yours which could make me fall in love deeper and deeper again. Oh God I loved that smile. Later on, you came closer and whispered in my ear: “To be continued...” Yes, totally a nightmare because that was the moment when I woke up and you just disappeared. Like dying again...

Alaska, I know you blamed yourself for your mom’s death and I know how much that hurt you but then why did you do this to us? Did you ever think about how this would affect us? How could you? How could you come into my life, change everything about me and then just leave? You didn’t even say goodbye! Well, you didn’t say goodbye but I guess it’s hard when you go out of the Labyrinth straight and fast, hmm? But what if straight and fast wasn’t the only way? What if there were other options? If there’s something I learned about all this it’s that there are other options. I used to think the only way out was to pretend the Labyrinth didn’t exist, but I was wrong... The only way out of the Labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. So I forgive you Alaska... Your green eyes still shine in my memory and your smell of vanilla, smoke and cheap wine are still alive in me but one day I’ll forget. For now, it seems unthinkable; however I know that one day I’ll forget. But just as I forgive you for leaving me, you’ll forgive me for letting go.

I just want you to know that I’ve loved you like I never loved anyone else. You probably think that I’m crazy because I never got to know you and you’re probably right. You couldn’t stop doing things I didn’t understand but still, I loved you. At least, I remember it being love. Anyway, who cares? Now it’s like everyone at school has just completely moved on, removed every trace of you. No one even mentions your name anymore. Like you were never even here... Don’t worry, I know you were.

As I’m writing, I realize I’m writing to a dead person. Creepy, I think... I guess I don’t care that much because it’s just in case there’s some sort of afterlife where you can read it or I don’t know. If you were reading this, you would say: “Pudge, didn’t I always tell you life after death was bullshit?” But then, if you were reading this, that would mean there’s life after death so that’s not really bullshit, isn’t it? Anyway, part of me just wants to believe I’ll see you again.

Did you know that Jimi Hendrix’s last words in a poem found next to him on his deathbed were:

”The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye

the story of love is hello and goodbye

until we meet again.”

Well Alaska, I truly hope we’ll meet again because our story of love never ended with a goodbye. Meanwhile, I hope you’re somewhere warm and white just like the flowers in your car. Your end was my beginning and I really want to thank you for everything. You gave me the chance to become who I am today and gave me an

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